Anxious..

I guess it was about time for me to have one of those days where you just feel weird and off..

Maybe it's the fact that I am finally getting better and forgot what that was like. Or that suddenly I feel swarmed by class selection, law school, honors projects, tons of work looming in the future, and general confusion about where I really want to be in five years.

Or maybe it's the fact that I miss my family and everyone back home. I was talking to my friend Nox today about how hard it is sometimes to be away from the people you love. I mean it helps you grow. It really does. When you are sick or lost or confused you are forced to deal with it on your own, and there is no doubt that I have leanred to do that since I've been here. But sometimes you just need to be reminded of home, and I guess that's what I needed today.

Being in Cape Town has reaffirmed for me the fact that I need to do something with my life that helps people. It's as simple and cliche as that. There is just too much poverty and misery, too much ignorance in this world to forget about it and live and work only for myself. I came here hoping that some sort of door would open up, but I think I have just realized that that same door has been open all along. And I can't ignore it or push it aside anymore. I have seen the effects of what happens when people hate and fear each other, when people are concerned only with self-interest. And I won't be a part of it.

Just one more test until Botswana, which will be a welcome break from everything. I think it will be good to be cut off for a while, because when I get back the whirlwind of stress is likely to take over. And it's about time I looked at things a little more seriously, as if they are actually approaching (which they are).

I have been feeling something lately, something that has been pulling and tugging me. Something that won't stop bothering me. Maybe it's the realization that I am actually an adult now, that nobody is going to tell me what to do and where to go from here. Maybe it's the realization that I'm going to need to let go of some things go in order to really discover what I want to do with my life (like my ceaseless preoccupation with taking advantage of everything in front of me, which, as stupid as it sounds, really compounds my feelings of stress). I don't know.

As for now, one more test. One day at a time. Then break :).